6.3 Revising the Thesis Statement

You have no doubt been drilled on the need for a thesis statement and its proper location at the end of the introduction. And you also know that all of the key points of the paper should support the central driving thesis. Indeed, the whole model of the five-paragraph theme hinges on a clearly stated and consistent thesis. However, some students are surprised—and dismayed—when some of their early college papers are criticized for not having a good thesis. Their professor might even claim that the paper doesn’t have a thesis when, in the author’s view, it does. So, what makes a good thesis in college?

1. A good thesis is non-obvious. High school teachers needed to make sure that you and all your classmates mastered the basic form of the academic essay. Thus, they were mostly concerned that you had a clear and consistent thesis, even if it was something obvious like “sustainability is important.” A thesis statement like that has a wide enough scope to incorporate several supporting points and concurring evidence, enabling the writer to demonstrate his or her mastery of the five-paragraph form. Good enough! When they can, high school teachers nudge students to develop arguments that are less obvious and more engaging. College instructors, though, fully expect you to produce something more developed.
2. A good thesis is arguable. In everyday life, “arguable” is often used as a synonym for “doubtful.” For a thesis, though, “arguable” means that it’s worth arguing: it’s something with which a reasonable person might disagree. This arguability criterion dovetails with the non-obvious one: it shows that the author has deeply explored a problem and arrived at an argument that legitimately needs 3, 5, 10, or 20 pages to explain and justify. In that way, a good thesis sets an ambitious agenda for a paper. A thesis like “sustainability is important” isn’t at all difficult to argue for, and the reader would have little intrinsic motivation to read the rest of the paper. However, an arguable thesis like “sustainability policies will inevitably fail if they do not incorporate social justice,” brings up some healthy skepticism. Thus, the arguable thesis makes the reader want to keep reading.
3. A good thesis is well-specified. Some student writers fear that they’re giving away the game if they specify their thesis up front; they think that a purposefully vague thesis might be more intriguing to the reader. However, consider movie trailers: they always include the most exciting and poignant moments from the film to attract an audience. In academic papers, too, a well-specified thesis indicates that the author has thought rigorously about an issue and done thorough research, which makes the reader want to keep reading. Don’t just say that a particular policy is effective or fair; say what makes it is so. If you want to argue that a particular claim is dubious or incomplete, say why in your thesis.
4. A good thesis includes implications. Suppose your assignment is to write a paper about some aspect of the history of linen production and trade, a topic that may seem exceedingly arcane. And suppose you have constructed a well-supported and creative argument that linen was so widely traded in the ancient Mediterranean that it served as a kind of currency. That’s a strong, insightful, arguable, well-specified thesis. But which of these thesis statements do you find more engaging?

Version A: “Linen served as a form of currency in the ancient Mediterranean world, connecting rival empires through circuits of trade.”

Version B: “Linen served as a form of currency in the ancient Mediterranean world, connecting rival empires through circuits of trade. The economic role of linen raises important questions about how shifting environmental conditions can influence economic relationships and, by extension, political conflicts.”

Putting your claims in their broader context makes them more interesting to your reader and more impressive to your professors, who assign topics that they think have enduring significance. Finding that significance for yourself makes the most of both your paper and your learning.

Early argument thesis statement

You’re already off to a good start: this thesis makes a claim, it demonstrates some knowledge or authority, and includes two sides to the issue. How can you make it better? Remember, you have to be able to write a paper in support of your thesis, so the more detailed, concrete, and developed your thesis is, the better. Here are a couple of suggestions for improving any thesis:

1. Define your terms
2. Develop the parts of your thesis so it answers as many who, what, when, where, how, and why questions as possible

Defining your terms

In your draft or working thesis above, are there any terms that would benefit from more definition? What do you mean by people, for example? Can that word be replaced with young people, teenagers, or young adults? If you replaced people with these more specific terms, couldn’t you also then write your paper with more authority, as you are one of the people you’re writing about?

You might also define “can’t seem to live without,” which sounds good initially but is too general without explanation, with something more exact that appeals to your reader and can be supported with evidence or explained at greater length in your paragraphs: people “use their phones in the classrooms, at the dinner table, and even in restroom stalls.”

Make sure your thesis statement answers questions

Your thesis is a snapshot or summary of your paper as a whole. Thus, you want your thesis to be something you can unfold or unpack or develop into a much longer work. And if your thesis makes a claim, that means it also answers a question. Thus, you want your thesis to answer or discuss the question as deeply and fully as possible. You can do this grammatically by adding prepositional phrases and “because” clauses that bring out the specifics of your thinking and tell your reader who, what, when, where, how, and/or why:

“Teenagers and young adults seem to use their phones everywhere—in the classroom, at the dinner table, even in restroom stalls—because they want to stay connected to their friends and peers at all times, but I think spending that much time online is detrimental to their social skills and mental health.”

Notice that this thesis, while not substantially different from the draft or working thesis you began with, has been substantially revised to be more specific, supported, and authoritative. It lays out an organized argument for a convincing paper. Because it is so complete and specific, it can be easily changed if you find research that contradicts your claim or if you change your mind about the topic as you write and reflect:

“Teenagers and young adults seem to use their phones everywhere—in the classroom, at the dinner table, even in restroom stalls—because they want to stay connected to their friends and peers at all times, and research suggests that this connection has primarily positive psychological and emotional benefits.”

Common Errors

Although constructing a thesis according to the above characteristics and steps will help you avoid the biggest problems, it’s still possible to run into a few common errors.

One such error is confusing an essay’s subject with a thesis, which is a claim or position about that subject. This is particularly problematic when students focus on arguing for the existence of what they believe to be facts. Some are easy enough to identify and revise, such as “America still allows the death penalty in some places.” This does not yet take a position on that subject, but a student could easily enough reach one once this error is noticed. Others create more complicated problems. Consider these examples: “Aliens exist.” Or: “Ghosts are real.” These might seem to fit the characteristics of good thesis statements above, but they do not. That is because these are merely subjects for the writer. The writer who has asserted these as facts in the world has, by doing so, not yet claimed them and has failed to take a position on them. Such a position might be what the writer thinks universities or research institutions should do with their budgets based on evidence of the existence of aliens or ghosts. But taking such positions and supporting them often becomes quite complex and shaky, especially when directed toward academic audiences, which is why these kinds of “secret facts about the universe” subjects are too problematic for student writers to handle successfully. Some professors simply ban them to help students avoid inevitable trouble.

Another such error is confusing a self-referential announcement with a thesis. This kind of announcement often looks something like, “My essay will be about…,” or, “I think that…,” or, “For this assignment, I will tell you about…,” or something in the essay that similarly refers to itself as an essay. Sometimes the revision is simple: eliminate the needless phrase. Consider this example: “I think that the teaching of Shakespeare should be banned in American schools.” As it stands, it is not a thesis because it is a simple announcement about the writer, but simply removing “I think that” makes it a thesis, for it then makes an arguable, specific, and significant claim that would need to be supported. In other cases, needless self-referential announcements such as “my essay will be about” hide the fact that the student has just confused the subject with a thesis, as noted above. So, “My essay will be about the death penalty” is only a subject, not yet a thesis.

Another common error is confusing the role of personal opinion in a thesis. Some students come to believe that personal opinions are banned in English class essays, or college writing in general, but this is self-evidently wrong. The only way to make a thesis arguable is to take some opinion-based position on a matter. Opinions are therefore required in constructing a good thesis. But the simple statement of a personal opinion is rarely sufficient for a thesis; instead, it often becomes a mere statement of taste, which is neither arguable nor significant. “I love pineapple on pizza, no matter what anyone else says,” is just a statement of personal opinion, which means it can’t be argued, nor is it significant. “I hate that Americans only get two options when voting for president” is just a personal opinion as it stands, but this one has the potential for a good thesis with just a little more revision.

One of the most difficult errors to face is confusing personal beliefs or convictions with claims. It is not necessary for college for student writers to personally believe all the ideas they explore in their essays, but this is hard for some students to comprehend or accept. Many students come to college having worked only on figuring out what they believe to be right and wrong, true and false, good and bad. That is fine up to a point, but it places the student in the prison of a singular perspective. One great aim of a true college education is, as Oscar Wilde put it, the ability to “play gracefully with ideas” rather than being stuck in “the violence of opinion merely.” So essays can serve as an opportunity to work through ideas that you have not necessarily given your heart, mind, and soul over to. This kind of serious play enriches you, makes you more perceptive, adaptable, and confident, and is indeed one main reason to bother writing at all. So avoid the temptation to write only about your convictions, or to fear any challenge to them. Instead, “play gracefully with ideas.”

The three-story thesis

How do you produce a good, strong thesis? And how do you know when you’ve gotten there? Many instructors and writers find a metaphor in this passage by Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.:

• “There are one-story intellects, two-story intellects, and three-story intellects with skylights. All fact collectors who have no aim beyond their facts are one-story men. Two-story men compare, reason, and generalize using the labor of fact collectors as their own. Three-story men idealize, imagine, predict—their best illumination comes from above the skylight.”

A one-story thesis states inarguable facts. Two-story theses bring in an arguable (interpretive or analytical) point. Three-story theses nest that point within its larger, compelling implications. The metaphor is extraordinarily useful, even though the passage may be a little dated.

The biggest benefit of the three-story metaphor is that it describes a process for building a thesis. To build the first story, you first have to get familiar with the complex, relevant facts surrounding the problem or question. You have to be able to describe the situation thoroughly and accurately. Then, with that first story built, you can layer on the second story by formulating the insightful, arguable point that animates the analysis. That’s often the most effortful part: brainstorming, elaborating and comparing alternative ideas, and finalizing your point. With that specified, you can frame up the third story by articulating why the point you make matters beyond its particular topic or case.

For example, imagine you have been assigned a paper about the impact of online learning in higher education. You would first construct an account of the origins and multiple forms of online learning and assess research findings about its use and effectiveness. If you’ve done that well, you’ll probably come up with a well-considered opinion that wouldn’t be obvious to readers who haven’t looked at the issue in depth. Maybe you’ll want to argue that online learning is a threat to the academic community. Or perhaps you’ll want to make the case that online learning opens up pathways to college degrees that traditional campus-based learning does not. In the course of developing your central, argumentative point, you’ll come to recognize its larger context; in this example, you may claim that online learning can serve to better integrate higher education with the rest of society, as online learners bring their educational and career experiences together. To outline this example:

• First story: Online learning is becoming more prevalent and takes many different forms.
• Second story: While most observers see it as a transformation of higher education, online learning is better thought of as an extension of higher education in that it reaches learners who aren’t disposed to participate in traditional campus-based education.
• Third story: Online learning appears to be a promising way to better integrate higher education with other institutions in society, as online learners integrate their educational experiences with the other realms of their lives, promoting the freer flow of ideas between the academy and the rest of society.

A thesis statement that stops at the first story isn’t usually considered a thesis. A two-story thesis is usually considered competent; a two-story thesis is more intriguing and ambitious than others. Ultimately, a thoughtfully crafted and well-informed three-story thesis puts the author on a smooth path toward an excellent paper.

Three-story thesis and the organically structured argument

The three-story thesis is a beautiful thing. For one, it gives a paper authentic momentum. The first paragraph doesn’t just start with some broad, vague statement; every sentence is crucial for setting up the thesis. The body paragraphs build on one another, moving through each step of the logical chain. Each paragraph leads inevitably to the next, making the transitions from paragraph to paragraph feel wholly natural. The conclusion, instead of being a mirror-image paraphrase of the introduction, builds out the third story by explaining the broader implications of the argument. It offers new insight without departing from the flow of the analysis.

Experienced writers don’t figure out what they want to say and then write it. They write to figure out what they want to say. Experienced writers develop their thesis in dialog with the body of the essay. An initial characterization of the problem leads to a tentative thesis, and then drafting the body of the paper reveals thorny contradictions or critical areas of ambiguity, prompting the writer to revisit or expand the body of evidence and then refine the thesis based on that fresh look. The revised thesis may require that body paragraphs be reordered and reshaped to fit the emerging three-story thesis. Throughout the process, the thesis serves as an anchor point while the author wades through the morass of facts and ideas. The dialogue between thesis and body continues until the author is satisfied or the due date arrives, whichever comes first. It’s an effortful and sometimes tedious process. Novice writers, in contrast, usually oversimplify the writing process. They formulate some first-impression thesis, produce a reasonably organized outline, and then flesh it out with text, never taking the time to reflect or truly revise their work. They assume that revision is a step backward when, in reality, it is a major step forward.

Another benefit of the three-story thesis framework is that it demystifies what a “strong” argument is in academic culture. In an era of political polarization, many students may think that a strong argument is based on a simple, bold, combative statement that is promoted in the most forceful way possible. “Gun control is a travesty!” “Shakespeare is the best writer who ever lived!” When students are encouraged to consider contrasting perspectives in their papers, they fear that doing so will make their thesis seem mushy and weak. However, in academics, a “strong” argument is comprehensive and nuanced, not simple and polemical.

The model of the organically structured paper and the three-story thesis framework explained here is the very foundation of the paper itself and the process that produces it. Academic argumentation exemplifies the popular adage about all writing: show, don’t tell. In crafting and carrying out the three-story thesis, you are showing your reader the work you have done.